23/10/2012

upon till recently i thought i had a good life. i had found Russell who i have been in a relationship with since i was sixteen but now i just don't know. i met Sean who started working in the pub i work in and we both have feeling for each other. now it has got to a point were i am not allowed to be in the pub when he is working because of roamers that are going around the customers about us seeing each other behind Russell's back which is sort of true. we have a lot in common. i have noticed the last week that my depression is coming back to show it ugly head and i am getting really emotional a lot as well. i have only been back with Russell nearly a month and i am thinking i need to leave again but this time for good but i am really scared because i do not know any other life than being with him and his son and i do not wont to mess them about anymore than i already have. i know Sean is not my knight in shining armour but he is a reason to get out of this relationship and start again. to learn who i am and what i want to do with my life. i meant i know somethings what i want to do but nearly only of them Russell is holding me back from doing one way or another. like i want to finish doing my driving lessons and pass my test but we never have any spare money to even think of booking a couple. i want to get back into wear Gothic clothes but i buy a pair of baggy boyfriend jean and he slags me off for wearing them the way i want to wear them. i go down the pub earlier to meet Russell for a couple of drinks after being told by my boss that i was not allowed to be in the pub when Sean is working. after Russell, i had a big fight in the pub on Friday after i finished work because i wanted to stay for a couple of drinks and Russell was to drunk and had a go at Sean while he was working. so i go in to meet Russell not knowing that Sean was working tonight and i go to put some stuff in the kitchen until we go up the road when my boss pulls me up for still being in while Sean is in. so i told her i would finish my drink and go up the road which i did not want to do. all i was wanting to do was have a couple of drink while Russell watched the football then go up the road but no i had to try and explain to Russell why i wanted to go up the road not long after i had just arrived which only got me upset and pissed off. so here i am sitting trying to help myself by writing about it and i am going to try and do one everyday to see if it will help my depression if i write about it and get it off my mind.